Vacation time definitely helped me regain some new strength, but when I began to dig into the cleaning upon my return home, the amount of “what NEEDS to be done” just kept piling up. The more I looked, the MORE I had to do. With my fresh, post-vacation outlook, I felt ready to tackle the mess. However, somewhere around day 4, I found myself losing my fresh wind. The more I found that needed to be done, that I have put off, literally into a box with every move in the past 15 years, the more I realized how TIRED I am. So incredibly TIRED.
Every box I moved, opened, organized just reminded me of everything we have been through in the past few years, and it was just TIRING!! The past few years have been draining and laborious. In the middle of this mess, all I could think about was wanting to give up. Throw it all back in a box and throw it in the attic to forget about. I didn’t want to finish the job I started. It just reminded me of how exhausted I already am, I don’t need this extra mess to add to my already fatigued life. I pushed on regardless, however, very resentfully.
Somewhere along the way, I came across my old picture albums. The ones that I had before digital pictures were such a big thing. I have hundreds, maybe over a thousand of them. Many were from Joe and I’s early marriage and dating years, and many of the first two kids. When I came across them, I did as any other person would do, and I sat down in the middle of the organizational mess on the floor and flipped through our old memories.
Over the next hour or so of flipping through these photos, I began to remember old memories that I completely forgot about. Events, birthdays, holidays, vacations. There are so many memories. As I sat there flipping through these photos, I started to realize something. I have lived a lot of life in just 15 years. When I really think back, we have lived a life very full. We may not have done everything, but we have worked very hard and Joe and I chose our lives together to always be full. As I sat and looked through these photos, realizing just HOW FULL it has been, I realized that honestly, I feel pretty good for having been through so much. When I really think about it, I should be MORE tired than I actually feel. And weirdly enough, I didn’t feel so tired anymore. If I can do ALL of that in just a short 15 years and ONLY feel as tired as I do now, then honestly, it isn’t as bad as I’m making it out to be. God willing, there is a lot of life left and realizing that I SHOULD be more tired than I ACTUALLY feel, gave me a new revived energy. There is a lot more left to do, and I’m not gonna get it done, sitting here in my tired state. Sitting in the middle of the “mess”. The sooner I finish the mess, the sooner I can get to living some more life and living it out for those I love the most.
I know that God hears my cries, and in diligence, I find that He revives me when I stop floundering around worried. I find He teaches me more when I can stop focusing on my tiredness and my wariness. He teaches me when I don’t expect Him to. He revives me when I don’t even ask for it. If only I can continue to remember to trust Him, that He will take care of my every need as He has done my whole life. In obedience and trust, I’ve found refuge for the wariness of life- IN Christ.