The moments I first held my children in my arms are some of the most memorable moments in my life. I know as I stare at my child, that I am looking at a face that I have never seen before. A face that, while may seem familiar, is a unique and beautiful creation that the world and our family has only just met. But in that moment, as I stare at this new face, I am usually overwhelmed by the odd mix of internal emotions that conflict with what I know. I know that I have never seen this child before, and yet it feels as though I have known them for my entire life. A child that has never been a stranger, and has always been a part of my heart.
Nothing has been such a great teacher to me in this life than that of being a parent. My experience of children has helped me understand and better grasp my relationship with our heavenly Father. It is, however, with the loss of our baby girl, that I even more deeply understand the separation of relationship.
One of the hardest parts of grieving is finding a new normal. Understanding how Joy and pain can coexist. The grieving part will never go away. It stays with you for the rest of your life. An open wound that won’t heal. It’s always on, in the background, like white noise. Sometimes you don’t recognize it as it blends into the background of your life, however in the quieter moments, can be incredibly loud.
That white noise is the grieving of my separation from her. My heart knowing that someone that belongs with me is somewhere else. Someone that should have never left. Someone that has always been a part of who I am and yet I can’t reach. That longing that I wear every day is a greater reminder to me of Gods’ desire for us. A grieving of separation. Wanting His children to be by His side. Wanting all that is best for them. Never wanting any pain or hurt to befall them. It is the separation that hurts me most.
I don’t believe God needed to allow Julianna’s death to teach me about His longing for us, I believe the reality of her death is the reality of sin that plagues the world and every good and beautiful thing. Her death is a reminder to me, of how horrible sin really is. And while I never believed that her death was just so I can learn a lesson, I know that God uses situations like this to show us more of Him. I have never experienced a Harsh teacher, even though I’ve come closest to Him during the hardest of times. He has only ever shown kindness and gentleness with me. And it is the separation in my relationship with God that I am reminded of every time my heart aches for my baby girl. A white noise, prodding me to seek Him out.